Grief

Grief is an interesting phenomenon. It ebbs and flows like the ocean. Sometimes there’s barely a ripple. Sometimes there are big waves that knock you down with their intensity and force and take you by surprise. Other times it is still-barely noticeable. And there are also those short choppy waves.

No one is more surprised than I am about my reaction to my grandmother’s death. I expected to be sad, but I did not expect the big waves of grief to come crashing down the way they are. I certainly did not expect to feel like I was losing my mother all over again.

I also think that when deaths happen out of order, that adds extra strength to the waves of grief. And it was this time of year when my mother was admitted to the hospital, never to come out again.

I have also found as the years have gone by that the actual day of her death is not hard on me, it’s the weeks before or after her death that find me melancholy. Anytime between mid November up to mid December is when I usually am sad. This year the timetable has moved up and I do not know how long it will last.

That’s the other thing about grief-it takes you by surprise. There have been days that I have been happy, not thinking anything sad, and then some little thing will happen and I will miss my mother. I also know from other people that this will happen throughout my lifetime. Even if someone has been dead for decades, there will still be moments in your lifetime where you will feel that deep grief. I am glad to know this, otherwise I would wonder what is wrong with me.

I have some social events coming up and I am now concerned about how I will get through them. I don’t want to be hit by grief during someone’s big event-especially when these folks don’t know about my grandmother/mother loss cycle. Normally I wouldn’t be concerned because it would just be a little wave I could get through fairly quickly. Now I’m not so sure I can wade through those waves.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Ashley
    Nov 11, 2007 @ 11:22:08

    I found you through NaBloPoMo’s website and I just had to comment. This is such a beautiful, heartfelt post. I’m so sorry for your loss, I lost both my grandmothers within a year of each other down to the exact day and its amazing just how different the grief affected me for each passing. Stay strong!

    Reply

  2. abrianna
    Nov 11, 2007 @ 21:56:36

    Thanks Ashley. It’s nice to know someone read it!

    Reply

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